Presidential Opinion

Today President Obama announced that his views have evolved and he now supports gay marriage.  Hoorah!  It really is a momentous day!  It is one more step towards marriage equality.  But you know we all expected it anyway.  Way back when he first said his views were evolving, we knew that was code for, "I'm waiting for the right time to share those views."  That day is today!

So I was reading the Yahoo article on the announcement.  In the comments (which are always hilarious/interesting) there were a lot of detractors.  Here was my response:

I love hearing how so many of you say, "Oh this will never happen..  Oh these numbers are cooked," etc.  But cast your thoughts forward.  How do you see this ending?  In ten years will it be illegal to be gay?  Will we have found a cure for homosexuality?  Will we have passed a Constitutional ban on gay marriage and that will be the end of story? 

No.

Do you think that gay people will settle for some form of middle ground and leave it there? 

No. 

So where does that leave us?  Full marriage equality.  Gays and lesbians fully accepted as complete strong members of society.  Just think it through logically.  Peel away your bias and ask what will happen. You may be afraid of the answer, but it is the same answer anyway.

A Different Anniversary and Thankfulness

Three years ago today I came out to my parents.  At that point it was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.  It was at an Education Week the year before that I was inspired to come out to my parents.  The following January, I realized how hard it was for Aaron to date a closeted man.  I vowed and made a new year's resolution that he wouldn't have another Christmas with me closeted. 

I've shared it here before, but I have a theory.  The Holy Ghost is a spirit of truth.  When someone bears their testimony of truth, if you're receptive, you'll feel it.  Coming out is one of the bigger truths of your personality and existence.  You may have been hiding it for years.  I'm sure you were like me and it built walls between you and your loved ones and friends.  That distance is painful and makes you feel lonely.  When you are prompted to come out --and I think it is a prompting-- listen!  My coming out to my parents was a spiritual experience for me.  I shared the truth.  The Holy Ghost responded.  I am closer to my family than I have been in a very long time.

Pray to your Heavenly Father and ask him for the bravery to come out.  Ask him for a prompting to know when the time is right.  Then search for that opportunity.  Don't procrastinate it.  You'll want to say, "Oh, after the holidays.  Or once I've graduated."  Or whatever.  God will prompt you, but it probably won't be when you expect or want.  But have the bravery to act.

I wrote shortly about my experience here.  I do not think that God wants you to remain closeted or in pain.

Moving on...

Aaron and my family have integrated wonderfully.  He gets along so well with everyone.  When we were first getting used to the idea, I told him that eventually I wanted it so that he could go to my family without me and feel perfectly accepted.  I think we're nearly there.

So for this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for coming out, a loving family, a loving partner, a loving Heavenly Father, and the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

The Future

I have a theory.  It's called the Four Sins of Gaydom.  (I'm sure they apply to all people, but especially gays.)  One of those four is Stagnation.  It's so easy to be stuck in a rut.  This could be emotionally, socially, financially, or in your career.  Of the four sins, stagnation is the one I'm prone to.  I fear change.  For the longest while, I was content to live in Provo as a student even though I had dropped out of school.  I just worked a part time job and played the rest of the time.  At another time I was afraid of relationships and wanted to stay an unattached single.  It's easy to stay put and difficult to progress and change.

A week ago, Aaron and I were with twenty other friends at the schoolhouse at Lava Hot Springs.  Five of us were in a car on our way to swim at the springs.  In the back seat two friends were talking about their careers and homes.  One was planning on retiring when he's fifty.  Both were talking about their mortgages and owning their homes.  The thought occurred to me, "I don't have any of that.  I don't have a career.  I have the job of an eighteen-year-old.  I don't have any prospects either.  Aaron and I are nowhere near retirement.  We also are nowhere near purchasing a home."  These thoughts occur to me from time to time, nagging in the background.  But I push them out and justify my situation.  This time it was different.

"I can change it!"  Right then, inspiration hit me.  I can go back to school, get my degree and get a career.  There are many reasons why I should get my degree.  I can become more educated.  I can be more well-rounded.  But most importantly, I can get a real career with a real future.

I talked to Aaron about it.  I wasn't sure what kind of career I wanted.  But it hit me, I want to be a teacher.  More specifically, I want to be a high-school teacher.  It feels right to me.  And yes, it's not the best pay.  Here in Utah, the average teacher salary is $40k.  It may be small in comparison to other careers, but it's a HUGE improvement for me.

I am excited!  I have many steps in front of me, but it's something that will make me a much better person.  I can rectify something I thought was irreparable.  I know the path back may be difficult.  But Aaron and I are dedicated and excited.

Look forward to blogs about my path forward.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell

Glad to be Gay

I once wanted to make a humorous t-shirt that listed one hundred reasons I was glad to be gay.  I never reached that many reasons and since then I've forgotten nearly all of them.  Yesterday I was reminded of one of them. 

I was reading a "Dear Abby" style article in the paper.  The woman writing in wrote how she was sure her husband was having an affair.  She gave the dimensions of the "woman".  Then she spoke how her husband would spend more time with her and seemed to like her more.  "I know everyone would just advise me to leave him." she wrote.  It turns out object of her anger is a flat screen television and an Xbox 360.

Yes, she's jealous of a television and a gaming system. 

I laughed.

I'm very lucky.  I'm partnered to Aaron, a guy who enjoys video games as much as I do.  No jealousy issues at all.  Don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of women out there who enjoy video games.  (I'm sure many of them could kick my trash on Halo: Reach.)  However, we men out number them by... well, I can't even count!

I'm glad I'm gay because my partner loves (video) games as much as I do!

Now the letter didn't specify how much the guy is spending on the Xbox.  Is it two hours a day, or twenty?  Is it really a problem, or just the woman exaggerating?  Either way, this isn't the problem, it's a symptom.  I've known guys who spent all their waking hours on a console.  This wasn't because it was so enthralling or entertaining.  It was because they were trying to escape the pressures of life they found unbearable. 

The "Abby" person wrote that the woman should try to find a game they could both enjoy on the console.  I think that's a great idea.  But I think along with that she should try to find out the cause of the symptom rather than just alleviate it. 

Frustration!

I just read that the Second-parent Adoption bill failed to advance in the Utah Senate committee.  As a refresher, Utah law only allows married or single, non-cohabiting adults to adopt.  This is mostly to stop gay couples from adopting.  I'm sure many straight people get the short end of the stick too.  So I guess you could live on your own, adopt a child and then invite your same-sex partner to live with you.  Inconvenient, true.  But if you're dedicated to becoming a father or mother it could be done.  It's another example of separate but (not) equal.

So, this new bill would propose that biological parents can choose who can adopt their child, whether they're cohabiting or not.  Of course it didn't pass.  It would effectively be a loop-hole to Utah's backwards adoption rules.  But logically, it should have passed.  Lately our legislature has been trumpeting their horn about less government, less intrusive government and parental rights.  But it seems that in an issue like this, the government believes it should be able to tell biological parents whom they can allow their children to be cared for by and the future of those children.  I could believe that perhaps orphans would be held to this double standard because they're "wards of the state".  But stepping on parental rights? 

A quote from the comment section of this article:  "Utah law prohibits anyone who is living in an unmarried, cohabiting relationship from adopting or fostering children." And yet there is no law on the planet that can keep unmarried, cohabiting individuals from actually having children, so the law is ridiculous. And why shouldn't gay and lesbian people have the same right as straight people to endure a nasty custody battle if things don't work out?

I guess it goes to show that homophobia trumps Republican/Tea Party ideals of small and unobtrusive government.  Hypocritical?  Yes!

Anniversary!

Today, I am proud to say is Aaron's and I five year anniversary!  It makes me smile just saying it.  :) It simultaneously feels like so much longer and so much shorter than that.  Way back when I wasn't ready for a relationship.  I wasn't out to hardly anyone including my family and most of my friends.  I was going to BYU in fact.  But Aaron and I connected.  He had moved down from Oregon to find a nice returned missionary to settle down with.  I'm proud it was me!

Those of you who know Aaron, know how sweet and giving he is.  He always puts other people and their needs ahead of his own.  He has a wonderful sense of humor and an infectious laugh.  He is very hardworking as well.  Let me say, relationships are *hard* work.  It takes adjustments, forgiveness, empathy and sympathy and just a desire to put the other person's needs before your own.  All of that doesn't come right at the start either.  It is a process.

I am so very happy to have shared these five years with him and even happier to share many, many more.

Easter and Warm Weather!

Aaron, Dan, Erich and I took a trip down to Phoenix and Mesa, Arizona to see the Easter pageant.  We had a *lot* of fun.  That fun included:  hot tubbing, swimming, catching some rays, singing to Lady Gaga and Glee, watching amazing fountains, gay country dancing, eating pizza and watching a one-man-orchestra, seeing the Easter Pageant, mini-golf, hiking in the desert, seeing a good friend, eating at buffets, and (unfortunately) driving in a blizzard.  And wow, there was a lot more too!  Check out my facebook pics.  You know, if I *had* to move, I'd move to Phoenix.  It's a beautiful city!

Stand Your Ground

Yesterday I had one of the most awkward experiences of my adult life.  But before I share, I'll say it was awkward, but not embarrassing.  My face didn't flush and I didn't feel apologetic in the least.  But awkward... Yes!

At work, we had a small rush of customers.  So I got on a register and started to ring people up.  The first woman in my line had been to the service desk a few minutes earlier to return some allergy medication.  She looked hopped up on it too.

I began to ring up her products.  She noticed my ring and said, "Is that a CTR ring?"  Which it is and in Romanian.  I get comments on it often, so I'm used to it.  This is where it gets very odd.  Then the woman paused and said, "No offense, but aren't you gay?"

If this had happened a couple years ago, I would have been embarrassed and denied it.  But I'm a different man since then.  I replied that yes, I am.  She started to go off, "How can you be gay and Mormon?  How can you believe in what they say about you?  Are you really gay?"  I told her that I have had a boyfriend for five years, so yes, I am gay.  And I do believe in the Church.  "That's awful!" was her retort.  The conversation continued in this line.

This whole time there is a guy behind her, waiting to be checked out.  There is a cashier next to me (that I wasn't out to) and her customers.  As well, the service desk person behind me.  So I'm the center of attention.  But surprisingly, I wasn't embarrassed.

I know that what she did was harassment and I didn't have to put up with it.  I could have said, right off the bat, "Sorry ma'am, but that is none of your business."  And it wasn't!  But as unlikely as it was to happen, I wanted to stretch her mind.  Just because you're gay doesn't mean you hate religion or the LDS Church.  Just because you're Mormon doesn't mean you hate gays.  There is middle ground.  A place of mutual respect.

I do agree that at the checkout stand of a retailer is not the place for this kind of conversation.  But I refuse to back down.

So it's odd, being harassed--not for being gay as you'd suspect--but for being religious and gay.  It isn't the first time either that I've been the subject of gay/religion harassment either.  My manager at "Our Store" in downtown did the same thing because of my CTR ring.  I wouldn't be surprised if my being Mormon was the reason I was let go.  So odd that this happens in Salt Lake City of all places.

As a side, when I shared this story with my friend Dan, he replied, "How did she know you were gay?"  Thank you Dan.  That made me feel better.  As proud as I am to be gay, I never thought it was that obvious to a passerby.  Especially in the short time a checker interacts with a customer.  

A CTR ring (It actually says ACD.) shouldn't bring you trouble.  Being LDS in Salt Lake City shouldn't bring you trouble.  Being a quiet gay shouldn't either.  But stir them all together---BLAM!  Harassment!

*Grin* It's done!

I just had a conversation on the phone with my sister.  Yesterday while we were at Church, waiting for sacrament to begin, she asked, "Are you gay?"  I was not expecting that!  I didn't give her an answer and said I didn't want to talk about it there. 

Well, we just had the coming out conversation.  It was very easy!  She assured me that she still loved me.  They had already guessed about Aaron.  She asked how long we had been together and was surprised by the answer.  In August we will have been together five years!  I heard my fourteen-year-old nephew in the background say, "I bet they'll get married."  *grin*

It's finally complete!  How quickly I achieve my New Year's resolution! 

Hometeachers?

Aaron and I have been together for five years in August 2010.  Time really does pass quickly.  But Aaron and I have fit in so much.  We have traditions now.  Mid-2010 we'll have lived together for five years.  We've been in our same apartment close to Liberty Park the whole time.  We love it here too.

In that four years, we've been to Church together maybe 3-4 times.  Truthfully, I think we miss it.  I missed singing the Christmas hymns this season.  I don't miss Priesthood lessons however.  (Even in a student ward, they were boring.)  I also don't miss fasting as I get really cranky when I'm hungry.  We both were upset during the Prop 8 fiasco.  It felt like a slap in the face.  But we didn't get bitter.  We still love the Church.

So yesterday evening the doorbell rang.  I answered it and there was an attractive, about my age guy standing there, smiling.  He asked, "Scott?"  I figured it was either a friend of our neighbors (who are also gay) or maybe some wayward Escape member.  As it turned out, it was our newly assigned hometeacher!

I was surprised.  As I said, we've been here for over three years and never had a hometeacher come visit.  I know my records are here because I get a Christmas card from the bishopric every year.  Either my parents had them sent here, my old student ward, or the fact I have a Liahona subscription did it.  Either way, there he was.  He said that he was kind of new to the ward and he hadn't seen me there.  I told him part of the truth.  That being that I work many Sundays and haven't been there.  He invited me to come.  It was a little awkward to say the least.  I wanted to invite him in, but I had the vibe that he didn't have the time.  His wife had also made a treat which he gave to me.  He also looked up my records and they didn't have my phone number, so I gave it to him.  His partner wasn't available, but they wanted to give me a call and set up an appointment next month.  Which I welcome.  We said our goodbyes.

Now, being the analytical person I am, I started thinking about it.  I'm going to guess that he's a member of the Elder's Quorum Presidency.  First of all, they normally give less-actives (especially the ones that have never been seen) to a member of the presidency.  Second, he had that ambitious feeling.  The kind where when a person moves into your ward and they have it, you give them an ambitious calling because you know they'll magnify it. 

He seemed very nice and very genuine as well.

But I digress.  I'd like your advice.  Let me tell you what I'm not going to do.  I'm not going to be passive-aggressive and not answer his calls or not answer the door when he comes.  I had enough of those on my mission to know how frustrating they are.  My first instinct is once we've built a relationship of trust, that I will come out to him and be upfront about who I am.  I am gay.  I am inactive.  I do love the Church.  I do have a testimony.  I do like having hometeachers (if that is the case).  But I am unsure of my place in our religion.

I think the honesty will pay off.   The Holy Ghost loves honesty and will reward us for it, I think.  I guess if they're uncomfortable or disapprove then they just won't come.  But I intend on being a gracious host either way.  I they might actually like coming to our home.  Aaron and I are used to having people over.  We're funny, fun, and have a good time.  I'd even invite the hometeachers for game nights if they'd come. 

What do you think?  What have your experiences been?

Post-Christmas Wrap Up

A blessing.  That is exactly the word I'd use to describe it.  I expected Christmas this year to run smoothly, but in a moderate and small way.  After all, you take small steps to make progress.  I was surprised however. 

Aaron had to work on Christmas Day.  So we planned around it.  He wouldn't be able to visit my brother's family in Logan that day, so we planned around it.  We visited Paul & co. on Christmas eve.  We went out to dinner with them and then went to their home to open gifts and play games.  Aaron, Paul, Jade and the boys get along really well.  I can see Aaron being himself with them and it makes me happy.

We were there till 11:30ish.  When we arrived home, I needed to wrap all of my presents.  With work, it was the only time I had to do it.  I think we were up till 2:30 AM wrapping.  I'd been exhausted all week from work.  Retail is hell during Christmas.  We both collapsed in bed after that. 

We needed to arrive at my parents' home at 8 AM, so we didn't get much sleep that night.  But we got up in time to exchange gifts with each other.  Even thinking back on it now, it makes me beam.  Aaron and I have been together for four years now, going on five.  This was our first Christmas together.  Having Christmas morning together is what couples do.  I really felt closer to him for it. 

So we arrived a little past eight and we exchanged gifts with my parents.  A few days earlier, my mom had asked what she should get Aaron for Christmas.  It really warmed my heart when she said that.  Aaron and I put both our names on all of the gifts we gave.  But later, after Aaron had left, I let my mom know which ones he had picked out.  She was touched too. 

My sister and her family normally come around 9 and we have a big breakfast together.  Then we exchange gifts with them.  Aaron and I planned on him leaving before she got there.  That way there wouldn't be any uncomfortableness.  (I'm not out to my sister and her family yet.)  I told my mom this and she said, that no, they planned on Aaron spending as much time as possible until he had to leave for work. 

I really did receive a lot of blessings this Christmas.  We were both dead tired, it's true.  But we got to spend the holiday together and with my family.  That to me is a miracle.  It wasn't uncomfortable or forced.  Parents are wonderful things really.  When they see the love you have for someone, some of their love transfers to him.  I could see that very clearly this holiday. 

I couldn't ask for more.  (Well, maybe a little more sleep.)

Family Christmas

So I was talking to my mom the other day about Christmas.  She wanted to know our plans and if Aaron and I planned on visiting Christmas day.  That probably happens a million times every December to couples all over the world.  But it's the first time it has happened to me.  I love my family.  I came out to my brother and then my parents a year ago mid-November.  So now, thirteen months later, Aaron is becoming part of the family.  He and a couple of my friends joined us for my family's Thanksgiving dinner in Logan.  Now Aaron and I may be visiting my parents on Christmas day just like my other siblings.

I say "may" because due to some scheduling conflicts, Aaron and I may be hosting our family's Christmas dinner!  If so, then my family would be coming to our home to visit!  To me, this is a miracle.  A true miracle.  After years of keeping them at a distance and being closeted, I have opened up to my family and they have reciprocated ten-fold.  I am proud to be a Guymon. 

I'm proud of Aaron too.  I know that he's wary of this.  He is very concerned that he will make my family uncomfortable.  More than anything, he doesn't want that.  I remind him that whenever they give the invitation, we need to have the courage to take it.  Aaron has been there for me.  Nearly four years of having to deal with me skirting around my family, "straightening up" (pun intended) the house when my parents visited and basically having a limit on how we could progress as a family has ended.

I am blessed. 

I am so glad I listened to the Holy Ghost when I was prompted to prepare to come out to my family.  I've said it before, but I'll repeat it.  The Holy Ghost is a spirit of truth and honesty.  He is present when we speak and share the truth.  When you get the feeling you should come out to someone, that is the Holy Ghost prompting you to do so.  He wants you to eliminate the dishonesty in your life.  I have a testimony that coming out the closet to your family will bless you.  I don't believe that just because it's been good to me.  Heavenly Father doesn't want you to go through life alone.  Our families, our spouses and our friends are supposed to be our support.  Give them that opportunity.  God will bless you.

This is shaping up to be my best Christmas. 

Status Quo

Many people have blogged on the subject of the Church supporting gay protection statues, so I won't go on length about it. I do have a few words to add.  I've heard many voices from the gay side.  Most are afraid of trusting the Church.  They think this is to reverse the public's opinion of the Church, or to prepare us for a future action.  I think that's mostly because once you've lost trust, it's very hard to gain again.  Trust is harder to earn than love for sure.  But it isn't their reaction that I want to talk about.

I don't know the Church's motivation in supporting those statues.  I hope it's for altruistic reasons and I'll continue believing that until proven otherwise.  But it's had one good effect besides actually protecting GLBT people.  It has mixed up the status quo!  Legislators and other conservative influences often try to out-church the Church.  The Eagle Forum and the Sutherland Institute are both aghast at the Church's "new" stance.  Those two organizations have been leeching their power from the Church.  They claimed their stance was the LDS stance and gained many followers that way.  Now their paths have diverged and it's made those organizations angry. 

This has also been good for the membership of the Church.  Many of them used the Church as an excuse for why gay men and women should have no rights.  Their religion allowed them a air-tight reason to hate or discriminate against gays.  This latest action will hopefully allow those people to rethink their bias.  Senator Buttars changed and that by itself is a miracle. 

So, no matter the reason for this change, I say we look at it as a step in the right direction.  It can help Utahns and members of the Church to love and accept their gay brothers and sisters. 

Etc.

It's been awhile since I've written on here. I don't have a topic of choice. Right now I'm still unemployed and desperately looking for employment. Not having a job is repetitive to say the least. Every day seems like the one before it. Every employment questionnaire seems like the one before it. In many cases, it was the same as the one before it. I miss having somewhere to go during the day. I miss making new friends with co-workers. I miss having income I can spend. I will have to have a celebration party when I finally land a job.

In other news, I have been made the Captain (commanding officer) of my Star Trek sim. For those of you who don't know, I'm a big fan of Trek. I write collaborative fiction with other fans. It is in story format where each author writes for a character or two. As captain of the sim, I choose the story arcs and try to provide each author with opportunities to write. It's a big deal because now they're dependent on my creativity to keep the sim going. Right now we're in 'shoreleave' where everyone can write about what they like. In about two weeks I'll start my 'internship' with my first mission. If it goes well, I'll graduate from Command School and become a full fledged captain and probably receive the rank of the same name. I've been doing this for about 5 years now. It is a great past-time and my writing skills have improved dramatically.

You can check out some of the information about our sim here: Dorvan V.

My birthday is coming up too. I turn thirty-one in the beginning of November. That month will also be the year mark of when I came out to my brother and sister-in-law and my parents. That reminds me of something. The week before last, my mom invited Aaron inside for the first time ever. Aaron was hesitant. He does not want to make my family feel pressured or uncomfortable. It went very well. We checked out my parents' cruise pictures. This may open up more opportunities. The end goal is having Aaron a full and loved member of my family. I want him to come to Christmas and Thanksgiving and any other important events. He gets along great with my brother and sister-in-law and my (our) nephews. It makes me swell with pride that I have such a phenomenal boyfriend and partner. I know this will lead to other great things!

Conversation

I had an interesting chat conversation with a best friend of mine. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read or remember I have a blog. If he does, everything I say here is what I would like him to hear.

Chris and I go way back. We first met back at BYU in my freshman year. Both of us have strong personalities and sometimes we don't see eye to eye. But excluding those times, we are eerily similar in our point of view. We spent summers together visiting national parks and camping. We really were inseparable. We had dreams of building homes next to each other and our children calling the other Uncle. Later he married my last girlfriend and now they have two children.

Later, Chris joined the Army to pay for dental school and he moved away. He still has family in Utah so I saw him from time to time. However, I created a distance between us. I had already discovered that I was gay and was meeting new people and making changes in my life. I wasn't ready to come to Chris, but I was tired of lying. So I distanced myself.

Years later, I began to integrate myself and leave the deceit behind me. Chris was one of the first people I came out to. He was in Afghanistan at the time, so it had to be through e-mail. I think it was very hard for him. In a way he felt betrayed. Both by my not being honest with him for so long but by keeping him at a distance.

Last night we chatted for the first time in a year. He asked the same questions he asks every time. How's my job? I don't have one right now. I've been laid off twice. Have I considered going back to BYU and getting my degree? I can't. I'm in a relationship and am not BYU Honor Code compliant. He replied, "Oh, there is that." I mean really!? I get the feeling that Chris only asks the safe questions. That for some reason he is afraid to find out about my life. In a way that hurts. He lives several states away, so I couldn't see him often. But I would like to include him in my life. I guess I should make more effort.

So how has coming out to your religious friends gone? Or if you have had friends come out to you, how did effect your relationship? Is it awkward? Or better because there is more honesty?

Our First Protest.

The title of this post sounds like a children's book. Ooh, we'll make it a pop-up book! This was the first ever protest we've participated in. I'm very glad we went. Marriage equality is something I feel strongly about. I love Aaron. I haven't felt like this with any other person. I think I'm a selfish person by nature. But I do my best to put him first and show him my love. I don't know when we'll get "married", but I know it isn't an "if". I really do want to spend my life with him.

Now I don't need the government's approval to love Aaron or spend my life with him. I don't need same-sex marriage legalized to show him that love. Even if laws and legislature are not necessary, why the intense opposition? Why do people hate the idea of us solemnizing our commitment and having legal right bestowed on our relationship? Why do the religious feel this is an attack on their rights?

This country promises a future for its citizens. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I am a citizen of the United States. I am an honest, caring, intelligent, and fun individual. Why do people care if I want to spend my life with a man?

As an LDS person, I know my religion says homosexuality is a sin. Perhaps by creating laws that solemnize that "sin" LDS people believe they are condoning it. Don't condone it. Don't even love it. But allow me that choice. If it really is a sin, it is only one that harms me. There is no "second-hand gay" to inhale. There are no "driving under the influence of gay" citations. It doesn't harm you in the least. I know it doesn't harm me.

For the other gay people who read this: Remember who you are. You are loved. You are citizens of this great country. You deserve equality.

For my LDS friends and other religious people: Remember the Golden Rule. I would never want to vote to divorce your (or my) parents, grandparents or friends. I respect the lives they live. I know you respect me as a person. Respect me as a couple too.

PS - Reading this may have made some of my friends uncomfortable. Don't be. I'm the same guy. I just think how much Aaron means to me... and I want to protect it.

The Escape

I had a thought today. I've written about many topics on this blog. Since coming out here in November I've had a lot of topics to write about that I didn't before. To some extent I've been able to integrate friends from both sides of my life. I have been pretty successful in becoming integrated rather than compartmentalized. The thought that occurred to me today was to be thankful for one of the sources of that change.

I'm currently (and have been for almost five years) one of the moderators of a group called The Escape. When I lived in Provo and was attending BYU I became friends with a guy named Jeromy. He is gay like I am and my age. We hit it off very well. He had just started a group he called The Escape. Basically Jeromy opened his home to host activities where other gay people and their friends could come to socialize, watch movies, play games, and other activities. He created a Yahoo group so he could announce the various activities. One of the tenets of the group was that alcohol is not needed in order to have a good time.

I remember the first time I went to an Escape party. It was the second one ever held. I was very nervous. It was my first time being at a gay event. I had to convince myself that I could do it. I remember showing up and feeling very out of place. Everyone seemed at ease. For those of you that don't know me well, when I am in a group of people I don't know I get really quiet. I'm sure I said very little at the activity. I remember Jeromy saying hello to me. But he was hosting the party and couldn't spend much time with me. It reminds me of the feeling when I was first off my mission and went to a Christmas party thrown by some relatives of mine. It was a feeling of subdued panic. I was tense. Afterward, I was glad I went. It was far outside my comfort circle. I didn't talk about anything at the party, but it was good to hear other people talk about being gay like it was an everyday thing.

I became very good friends with Jeromy and became part of the planning process for The Escape. Most of those early parties were pretty simple. We'd watch movies and socialize. I met the first guy I ever dated at one of those parties. I remember holding his hand as we watched a movie. We got creative though. We had a Vegas party once where we built and created our own Vegas-style props for the party. That party was huge! The place was packed.

Jeromy and his boyfriend moved away and I volunteered to lead the group. Sadly, nothing happened while I was in charge. I didn't own my own place and we didn't have a place to host activities. The group just stayed on hiatus until Jeromy returned.

The next largest change occurred when Aaron (my boyfriend) and I moved to Salt Lake City. Jeromy now lived in BYU-approved housing and couldn't host The Escape any longer. Aaron and I started having it our home. The Escape changed. No longer in the shade of secrecy needed to operate in Utah County the organization made a big change. Just as Jeromy, Aaron and I had evolved into openly gay, integrated, and happy men, the scope of the group was doing the same. We began having larger activities and in the public. We host Gay Day at Hogle Zoo. We are a large part of Gay Day at Lagoon Park. We play croquet and barbecue in the park. You may have seen pictures of these activities on my facebook page. Aaron and I have welcomed many people into our home under the umbrella of The Escape. Now, rather than giving closeted gays a place to be their selves (and we still do that), we help gay men choose happy and healthy lives.

I think another era is opening up for the group right now. The Escape has been largely insular until now. We didn't allow other groups to advertise on our Yahoo group. We wouldn't let other people host activities. We never did anything with other groups. We're changing that. Salt Lake is a much larger place with many more resources. We have begun to network with the other gay and lesbian groups here. Last week I had a phone interview with QSaltLake, Utah's gay news magazine. They had seen our facebook group and our planned Gay Day at Hogle Zoo. I'm hoping they'll do an article beforehand and we'll get more people to show up. We recently changed our age policy too. Before this month, we encouraged people over 40 to find a group better suited to their situations. We've removed that. We're open to any age. I think all of these changes are going to be incredible! It has meant losing some control that we kept tight, but it is going to make very positive changes.

Thinking about this just gave me another great idea!

Conundrum

Being gay can really create some moral conundrums. I like to think that I am a person with a strong moral center. I know right from wrong and do my best to make good choices. That being said, most decisions aren't difficult if I can overcome my pride. Lately I've been faced with some difficult choices.

I have a very active facebook account. I check it daily and enjoy keeping up with old friends, family, and current friends. I am also "out" on facebook. My status shows me as being in a relationship and points to my boyfriend. In my notes about myself in mentions that I am a gay Mormon. It was very liberating to come out to everyone all together like that. I received a lot of messages of support and love.

I came out to my parents less than a month after I came out online. During the discussion with my parents, my mother mentioned that she wanted to just keep it in our immediate family. I respect that decision though I know it won't last for long.

So here is my problem: Today a cousin of mine sent me a friend request on facebook. She is sixteen years old. I am pretty close to her family and consider this cousin and her sisters to be my friends. To my knowledge, she and her family do not know that I am gay. I don't mind if they know, I'm open and willing to speak about it. I don't think that a sixteen year old will have a hard time understanding what homosexuality is. She and her family are smart and sensitive.

I worry about my choice taking away the decision from her parents as to when/if to have the "gay talk" with their children. I think it would be odd for her parents to learn about me from their sixteen year old daughter. She is a minor too.

So what do I do? I could ignore the request, which I think would be rude and suspicious. I could "straighten" up my profile and remove most references to my homosexuality. I don't think I would be true to myself then. I could add her as a friend and let the consequences fall as they may. Is that selfish? Or I could add her mother (I think she is on facebook) and then inform her.

Is there another option I'm missing? Which is the moral decision? Which is the right decision? Your opinions are very much appreciated!

Logical

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Jon Stewart just comes across as very logical and well thought out. To me gay marriage is logical. Two people love each other and as consenting adults should be able to marry. The argument that if we change the definition of marriage then we'll have to allow polygamy or any other arrangement doesn't hold water. I'm sure when interracial marriages were first legalized, people used the same argument. Our law works on a case by case basis, legalizing one thing doesn't mean all other things are legal too.

Concerning polygamy, I certainly don't want it legalized. I also don't think that it's even doctrine of the Church that it will come back either. Polygamy was already restored once, nothing says it will be restored again. Back in the 1800s when polygamy was made illegal the Church was persecuted and members practicing it were hunted down. Those members evaded capture and continued to break the law. Earlier the Church had left the United States in order to pursue their own freedom of religion. Everything points to the Church being an ally for gay men and women and our fight for equality. Historically we Mormons have practiced "alternative lifestyles". And as Jon Stewart said, religion is certainly more of a choice than being gay. Religion and particularly Mormonism should be sympathetic to our cause.

Here's why I think logic evades the situation. First, LDS members today don't relate to the members who practiced polygamy (oftentimes their own progenitors). On my mission the polygamy issue would come up regularly. We were taught to say that that was over 100 years ago and that we don't do that anymore. Basically saying, "It was different back then, but we've changed." It was treated like it was a little dirty secret that we needed to downplay. Stories of how difficult it was for members to have their religion say one thing and their country say another haven't been passed down. We don't read them in Sunday School, we don't hear those stories in Conference. It's been erased. Members today don't relate because they don't even know those issues.

Second, as members of the Church, sex and sexuality is sacred. It is also secret. We don't feel comfortable talking about it even while using the upmost respect. Many people suffer in silence because they can't breach the taboo subject. Sexual development and sexuality have *major* roles in human development. Its influence can be felt in every facet of our lives. Most LDS people define gay men and women by what they see as the only difference: with whom they like to have sex. (We're much more complex than that!) But sex and sexuality are taboo subjects. So gay people are taboo subjects. Members feel that if they openly accept gay people then they are in support of the sin. You cannot hate a sin and love a sinner in this case because in the Church's eyes the sin defines the sinner. Loving the sinner implies that you love the sin. I've never heard in real terms how one can hate a sin without hating the sinner.

Last, religions should be happy that a population of "promiscuos" and "immoral" citizens want to give up their old ways and settle down into life-long and stable relationships or marriages. It should be like welcoming the prodigal son back into the fold. This isn't so because in the eyes of most religious people, a gay relationship is not permisible or equal. It would allow gay parents to teach children that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. Afterall, the child's two dads or two moms raised him well, kept him fed, and taught him right from wrong. Many of us want to adopt and there are so many children out there without parents. But most religious people will say it is better for a child to grow up on the street than to be raised by gay parents. Sick.

In short (too late!), history isn't enough to make LDS members and gay people become allies. It's only going to start by gay people making and continuing to be friends with their LDS neighbors. Two of my nephews know I'm gay now. I'm sure they are much more okay with it than their parents or my parents (just like racism). Each generation will be more sympathetic because each generation will have more experience with their gay brothers and sisters. Most of us are normal, good and moral people. I'm proud to be both LDS and gay.

Duplicity

Today's my day off. I went over to the $5 haircut place on 7th where I normally get my haircut. I had a nice barber (are women barbers too?) She started the pleasant small talk that barbers normally do. That's cool with me. Silence or small talk are equally fine for me.

She talked about her three-year-old son and getting ready for Christmas. I mentioned my nephews and going to the Festival of Trees today. As I was doing this, I caught myself "straightening" my small talk. It's something I do naturally. When I make the switch I use gender neutral pronouns, change the situations a little bit and tweak the truth. I do it without even thinking. Today I just happened to mentally catch it.

It made me think. I am out to my family and friends now. There is not really anyone else that needs to hear it from me. (My sister is excluded.) So why do I de-gay my speech? Do I really care what the barber thinks? Is it just easier to not show that part of me to strangers? My boyfriend Aaron doesn't "straighten" his speech at all. He works at a hotel and will mention picking up his boyfriend or a cute guy or whatever. He's not embarrassed. He just treats it like it is the most normal thing. I envy him for that.

On one hand, I don't need to share my sexual orientation with every person I meet. I am a gay man and am proud of who I am, but it just isn't relevant to every conversation or relationship. Sometimes (rarely in my experience), I need to hide that aspect to protect myself or others from hate speech. That aside, there doesn't seem to be any logical reason to hide my being gay from people.

On the other hand, by sharing my sexuality as Aaron does--in the most normal matter--it will expose people to the fact that there are gay people every where. We are normal. Utahns particularly need exposure to that.

So what do you think? For those of my readers who are gay, how do you handle those situations? For those who aren't gay, being Mormon is probably the closest analogy. Do you ever "de-Mormonize" your speech with strangers you interact with? Do either of the groups say "I'm going to hang out with my friends" rather than saying "ward activity" or "Gay night"?