A Different Anniversary and Thankfulness

Three years ago today I came out to my parents.  At that point it was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.  It was at an Education Week the year before that I was inspired to come out to my parents.  The following January, I realized how hard it was for Aaron to date a closeted man.  I vowed and made a new year's resolution that he wouldn't have another Christmas with me closeted. 

I've shared it here before, but I have a theory.  The Holy Ghost is a spirit of truth.  When someone bears their testimony of truth, if you're receptive, you'll feel it.  Coming out is one of the bigger truths of your personality and existence.  You may have been hiding it for years.  I'm sure you were like me and it built walls between you and your loved ones and friends.  That distance is painful and makes you feel lonely.  When you are prompted to come out --and I think it is a prompting-- listen!  My coming out to my parents was a spiritual experience for me.  I shared the truth.  The Holy Ghost responded.  I am closer to my family than I have been in a very long time.

Pray to your Heavenly Father and ask him for the bravery to come out.  Ask him for a prompting to know when the time is right.  Then search for that opportunity.  Don't procrastinate it.  You'll want to say, "Oh, after the holidays.  Or once I've graduated."  Or whatever.  God will prompt you, but it probably won't be when you expect or want.  But have the bravery to act.

I wrote shortly about my experience here.  I do not think that God wants you to remain closeted or in pain.

Moving on...

Aaron and my family have integrated wonderfully.  He gets along so well with everyone.  When we were first getting used to the idea, I told him that eventually I wanted it so that he could go to my family without me and feel perfectly accepted.  I think we're nearly there.

So for this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for coming out, a loving family, a loving partner, a loving Heavenly Father, and the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

*Grin* It's done!

I just had a conversation on the phone with my sister.  Yesterday while we were at Church, waiting for sacrament to begin, she asked, "Are you gay?"  I was not expecting that!  I didn't give her an answer and said I didn't want to talk about it there. 

Well, we just had the coming out conversation.  It was very easy!  She assured me that she still loved me.  They had already guessed about Aaron.  She asked how long we had been together and was surprised by the answer.  In August we will have been together five years!  I heard my fourteen-year-old nephew in the background say, "I bet they'll get married."  *grin*

It's finally complete!  How quickly I achieve my New Year's resolution! 

Post-Christmas Wrap Up

A blessing.  That is exactly the word I'd use to describe it.  I expected Christmas this year to run smoothly, but in a moderate and small way.  After all, you take small steps to make progress.  I was surprised however. 

Aaron had to work on Christmas Day.  So we planned around it.  He wouldn't be able to visit my brother's family in Logan that day, so we planned around it.  We visited Paul & co. on Christmas eve.  We went out to dinner with them and then went to their home to open gifts and play games.  Aaron, Paul, Jade and the boys get along really well.  I can see Aaron being himself with them and it makes me happy.

We were there till 11:30ish.  When we arrived home, I needed to wrap all of my presents.  With work, it was the only time I had to do it.  I think we were up till 2:30 AM wrapping.  I'd been exhausted all week from work.  Retail is hell during Christmas.  We both collapsed in bed after that. 

We needed to arrive at my parents' home at 8 AM, so we didn't get much sleep that night.  But we got up in time to exchange gifts with each other.  Even thinking back on it now, it makes me beam.  Aaron and I have been together for four years now, going on five.  This was our first Christmas together.  Having Christmas morning together is what couples do.  I really felt closer to him for it. 

So we arrived a little past eight and we exchanged gifts with my parents.  A few days earlier, my mom had asked what she should get Aaron for Christmas.  It really warmed my heart when she said that.  Aaron and I put both our names on all of the gifts we gave.  But later, after Aaron had left, I let my mom know which ones he had picked out.  She was touched too. 

My sister and her family normally come around 9 and we have a big breakfast together.  Then we exchange gifts with them.  Aaron and I planned on him leaving before she got there.  That way there wouldn't be any uncomfortableness.  (I'm not out to my sister and her family yet.)  I told my mom this and she said, that no, they planned on Aaron spending as much time as possible until he had to leave for work. 

I really did receive a lot of blessings this Christmas.  We were both dead tired, it's true.  But we got to spend the holiday together and with my family.  That to me is a miracle.  It wasn't uncomfortable or forced.  Parents are wonderful things really.  When they see the love you have for someone, some of their love transfers to him.  I could see that very clearly this holiday. 

I couldn't ask for more.  (Well, maybe a little more sleep.)

Family Christmas

So I was talking to my mom the other day about Christmas.  She wanted to know our plans and if Aaron and I planned on visiting Christmas day.  That probably happens a million times every December to couples all over the world.  But it's the first time it has happened to me.  I love my family.  I came out to my brother and then my parents a year ago mid-November.  So now, thirteen months later, Aaron is becoming part of the family.  He and a couple of my friends joined us for my family's Thanksgiving dinner in Logan.  Now Aaron and I may be visiting my parents on Christmas day just like my other siblings.

I say "may" because due to some scheduling conflicts, Aaron and I may be hosting our family's Christmas dinner!  If so, then my family would be coming to our home to visit!  To me, this is a miracle.  A true miracle.  After years of keeping them at a distance and being closeted, I have opened up to my family and they have reciprocated ten-fold.  I am proud to be a Guymon. 

I'm proud of Aaron too.  I know that he's wary of this.  He is very concerned that he will make my family uncomfortable.  More than anything, he doesn't want that.  I remind him that whenever they give the invitation, we need to have the courage to take it.  Aaron has been there for me.  Nearly four years of having to deal with me skirting around my family, "straightening up" (pun intended) the house when my parents visited and basically having a limit on how we could progress as a family has ended.

I am blessed. 

I am so glad I listened to the Holy Ghost when I was prompted to prepare to come out to my family.  I've said it before, but I'll repeat it.  The Holy Ghost is a spirit of truth and honesty.  He is present when we speak and share the truth.  When you get the feeling you should come out to someone, that is the Holy Ghost prompting you to do so.  He wants you to eliminate the dishonesty in your life.  I have a testimony that coming out the closet to your family will bless you.  I don't believe that just because it's been good to me.  Heavenly Father doesn't want you to go through life alone.  Our families, our spouses and our friends are supposed to be our support.  Give them that opportunity.  God will bless you.

This is shaping up to be my best Christmas. 

Where are you in your journey?

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound
--Beyonce

A friend of a blogger friend suggested this theme for October. I have a lot to be thankful for lately and I think this would be a great way to share that.

How did you get to where you are today?
Often in our lives the important things aren't events but processes. I can't remember when I gained a testimony of our Savior or of the Church. I can't say when I started considering myself an adult and no longer a young adult. Likewise there wasn't a point when I knew I was gay. Growing up I could feel attraction to other males here and there. It wasn't anything big or distracting. I remember being at the barbershop on the military base getting my hair cut. I was about eight years old. A guy came in and sat waiting for his haircut. I couldn't look away, I found him fascinating and attractive.

In high school I only went on two dates. For one I was asked to a prom because the girl's boyfriend was grounded. I asked one girl to another prom because my friends wanted to go on a group date. I picked her mostly because both of our parents thought we'd be a good match. I only had close male friends and a few female classroom friends.

Even while on my mission (19-21 years old) I was proud of myself because I didn't have to worry about women distracting me from the Lord's work. I didn't understand why other elders couldn't just leave their girlfriends at home. Looking back, it was apparent why. But when all you have is your perspective it's hard to compare yourself to others. I didn't know that I was different from any other guy.

At BYU I dated two women seriously. One wanted to get married. I prayed about it many times and the Holy Ghost would only respond, "Wait." I am so glad I listened! Sometime after that relationship I started to make my first gay friends. The Escape was a great group for me. The men didn't drink and had LDS backgrounds. I went through the turmoil of living two lives. My BYU friends will remember my "other friends" that I would go hang out with. I had to lie to friends and family all the time. The pain and difficulty of that situation dulled after time. I became a good liar.

I dated one guy for awhile. Then I found Aaron. We hit it off right from the bat. We had chemistry and so much in common. I thought he was the cutest person I ever knew. (I still do!) I was hesitant to date him exclusively. I thought being in an exclusive relationship was a bad idea. It would make leaving homosexuality behind so much harder. But my heart was already linked to him. I cared about him and he about me. As Aaron tells the story, we were at a party. I saw him flirting with another guy and I came over. I proclaimed that Aaron was my boyfriend to everyone. Jealousy! Aaron and I have been together for four years now. We've gone through our difficulties but we love each other even more. We really are a perfect match.

Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?
Yes! Someone told me that you know you're in love when he makes you want to be a better person. Loving Aaron allows me to put his needs above mine. Living a double life--as a side effect--makes you a much more selfish person. You don't let people get close because they'll discover the lies. I became a very selfish man. The love and honesty we share helps me put that behind us.

Thanks to following a prompting, I came out to my brother almost a year ago. Following the same prompting I came out to my parents two weeks later. I have become closer to my brother and his wife than I ever was before. Their oldest stayed with us for two months this summer. About two weeks ago, my mother invited Aaron into my parents' home for the first time. It wasn't for long but it was a big step! I can see that my family is changing their ideas. It makes me emotional to see Aaron and them forging friendships and more. There are exciting things on the horizon.

Where do you see yourself in the future?
Aaron and I will still be together and strong. We'll continue to gather friends around us, both straight and gay. I hope we can be an example of healthy and happy gay relationships. We'll be example of the fun you can have without alcohol or drugs. I see Aaron forging familial relationships with my family. My family will become our family. I see myself rebuilding the trust and closeness with my family I had before with Aaron at my side. This next part is maybe fanciful, but it came to mind. My patriarchal blessing says that I will serve another mission as older couple. If that ever becomes possible, Aaron and I are definitely in line!

What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?
I am always afraid of rejection. That fear kept me from telling those closest to me about the turmoil I had inside. I thought my straight friends wouldn't want to be near me. I thought my family would be angry. I thought I wouldn't get to see my nephews again. They may have hesitation, but I think they can see that I'm happy.

I have overcome the need to rely on lies and deceit. Honesty takes a heavy load off of your shoulders. It allows you to become an integrated and whole person. Honesty tears down the invisible walls between you and your loved ones. Coming out to your family seems huge and daunting. It will probably be the hardest thing you'll ever do. But it won't be as hard as you think. The Holy Ghost loves honesty and truth. It will accompany you as you increase your honesty.

I have a theory called the Four Sins of Gaydom. Bitterness and Stagnation are two of them I keep at bay. I do not want to hate people or organizations. I was in a rut for many years. It is easy to sit still and let the world pass you by. These are roadblocks I see slowing me down in the future.

What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?
Friends. Find good friends. Find friends that meet your values. If you're gay it doesn't mean you need to let all your morals go. You don't need to drink to have fun. Find those people who feel the same way you do. The internet is a great source. This is a plug, but check out The Escape.

Family. There may be times where it seems you have no one. You will have times where you are lonely. If you have been honest and open with your family they can be your best friends. There are those who hesitate to come out to parents, siblings, spouses and others. They fear rejection. At first there may be confusion on their part, but I think their love will still shine through. If you're LDS you know about "attack on the family". Keeping yourself closeted and fearful is helping to tear apart your family. They can be your greatest support and help. Take the leap!

Yourself. With time you can accept you as you are. Heavenly Father may or may not have made you gay. But he allows you to stay gay. There are reasons for that. I used to think it was a curse I needed to endure or suffer with. Now I look at it as one the biggest blessings in my life. It stands next to other greats as my family, Aaron, friends, the Church, and my testimony. I have learned things that I couldn't have learned any other way.

As Aaron sometimes says, "We're good Mormon boys... except for the gay!" Strip away the guilt and shame and pain that you're giving yourself. Stop worrying yourself sick. Set aside the battle you feel you have to fight. You're fighting your best ally, yourself.

What advice do you have for family and friends?
I am the same person I always was. I think my family already can see this. Now I've entrusted you with another part of my soul. I am happier than I ever have been before. Let's continue to show each other trust and make our family that will last through time.

Give Aaron a chance. He's an incredible guy and I consider myself very lucky to have him. I had great taste in who I loved before and it hasn't changed. He is endearing and easy to love. If given the chance he'll show you.

Other people may judge you for befriending your brother/son's boyfriend. After all, love the sinner, not the sin. Aaron is not a sin. Aaron is a person and someone I love. Even in the Church the family comes first. Don't let people pollute your mind with ideas that would tear our family apart. This isn't something I think will be a problem with my family. But many do struggle with it.

My friends, keep being you. Aaron and I are lucky to have so many friends, both straight and gay. You make us happy people. You've accepted us and helped us out. If we can ever help, don't hesitate to ask. We are a family in our own right. Stand up for each other. If people say things about your friends you know isn't true, say so. Compliment your friends when they aren't around. They'll eventually hear. It's much better than gossip. Love one another.

Conclusion
I am blessed. I see a bright future. I'll be holding Aaron's hand. We'll be smiling.

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

Sunday I went with my parents up to Logan to go to my nephew's Eagle Court of Honor. I didn't really want to go. I imagined it would be long and drawn out and well, boring. I'm happy to say that I was wrong. It was actually inspiring. My 14 year old nephew and my 10 year old nephew both were impressed. Especially Zach, his eyes were all wide after watching the video about the eagle. It's good to see him take interest in something like that.

So afterwards, we were headed home after I dropped off my nephews. My parents wanted to just drive me straight to SLC but I asked to stop by their place. Then my dad was going wait in the car till I grabbed whatever it was I needed. I asked them both to come in because I needed to talk to them about something.

I sat them down and I came out to them. I won't go into great detail as it is personal. But they had suspected for two years. After finding out that I had a boyfriend, they were surprised. It seems my whole family suspected that I was gay, but none of them suspected that I did anything about it. So no one but me cried. My parents do worry for my eternal well-being. The gay doesn't bother them, just eternity. Which is... refreshing. We discussed several aspects of me being gay. I think we were mostly on the same page.

My parents are basically the last people I care about that I needed to tell. But this isn't the end, it's really the beginning. I'm sure after they have gotten over the shock of it, they will have many questions, and we may probably disagree on a lot of things. But we will learn from each other and come to an understanding.

I think the most important part of this is that I am tearing down the buffer zone that I needed to keep between my loved ones and myself. I was tired of lying but not ready to come out to them yet. I look forward to regaining what I lost.

A New Beginning

I started my first blog July 24, 2004. Back then I started a blog as a way for my family and friends to keep up with my life. I think many people start blogs for that reason. I think it works out that way for very few people however. More often than not it provides a release for the blogger. You're able to write your feelings and by doing so work through things and understand yourself better. That and put up the silly things of your life. lol

But I have to say, life is really good. I'm proud of where I'm at and I'm proud of where I'm going. The past three years I've made some big decisions and they changed my life for the better and in ways I couldn't have guessed.

It's those big changes that have made it hard to meet/chat with some of you earlier. About three years ago I finally admitted to myself that I'm gay. Yeah, even now it's hard to type it. It's a life altering realization and one that has really changed me. I won't bother you with the long story from there to here. But I'll tell you some details. I am out to my brother and sister-in-law but not yet to my parents. I want to tell them very much, but I don't know how to go about it. I don't want to ruin their lives. But I think it'll happen sooner than later.

The other big part of this that has changed my life: I've had a boyfriend for over three years now. You already know him. It's Aaron. We've lived together for over two years now. We really do make each other happy. I really love him. I see a long life together with him.

So you probably have a lot of questions running through your mind. The first question that came to one friend's mind when I told her this news, was what my standing was with the Church. I'm not out to the Church either. I love the Church; I have a strong testimony of it. I don't go to Church every Sunday, but I'm not inactive either. I think the main reason going to Church is hard, isn't that I have any guilt... but rather the constant pressure to participate in things that I no longer can. I'm not worthy to participate in the Priesthood or attend the Temple. I can only really be "half" a member. But I want the Church to always be a part of my life. It just has to take on a different role now.

Now I've given you a lot to swallow. But I don't want to over do it. I'm sure you have questions and I promise I will answer every one of them honestly and to the best of my ability. It took me years to come to terms with this, so I don't expect you to do it any faster. I'm a good person, I've just been faced with some very hard decisions.

I turn 30 in a little over a week. I've made a goal to have my 30s be my best decade yet. Part of that means becoming a whole person. I'm bringing the two parts of my life into one complete whole. Coming out to friends and family has been a spiritual experience. The Spirit is drawn to the truth and now I can share it with you.

Please don't let any of this come between our friendships. I am still the same Scott. I love my friends, family, games, movies, science fiction, and have the same dry sense of humor. I trust you enough to share the important parts of my life.

Scott