Stand Your Ground

Yesterday I had one of the most awkward experiences of my adult life.  But before I share, I'll say it was awkward, but not embarrassing.  My face didn't flush and I didn't feel apologetic in the least.  But awkward... Yes!

At work, we had a small rush of customers.  So I got on a register and started to ring people up.  The first woman in my line had been to the service desk a few minutes earlier to return some allergy medication.  She looked hopped up on it too.

I began to ring up her products.  She noticed my ring and said, "Is that a CTR ring?"  Which it is and in Romanian.  I get comments on it often, so I'm used to it.  This is where it gets very odd.  Then the woman paused and said, "No offense, but aren't you gay?"

If this had happened a couple years ago, I would have been embarrassed and denied it.  But I'm a different man since then.  I replied that yes, I am.  She started to go off, "How can you be gay and Mormon?  How can you believe in what they say about you?  Are you really gay?"  I told her that I have had a boyfriend for five years, so yes, I am gay.  And I do believe in the Church.  "That's awful!" was her retort.  The conversation continued in this line.

This whole time there is a guy behind her, waiting to be checked out.  There is a cashier next to me (that I wasn't out to) and her customers.  As well, the service desk person behind me.  So I'm the center of attention.  But surprisingly, I wasn't embarrassed.

I know that what she did was harassment and I didn't have to put up with it.  I could have said, right off the bat, "Sorry ma'am, but that is none of your business."  And it wasn't!  But as unlikely as it was to happen, I wanted to stretch her mind.  Just because you're gay doesn't mean you hate religion or the LDS Church.  Just because you're Mormon doesn't mean you hate gays.  There is middle ground.  A place of mutual respect.

I do agree that at the checkout stand of a retailer is not the place for this kind of conversation.  But I refuse to back down.

So it's odd, being harassed--not for being gay as you'd suspect--but for being religious and gay.  It isn't the first time either that I've been the subject of gay/religion harassment either.  My manager at "Our Store" in downtown did the same thing because of my CTR ring.  I wouldn't be surprised if my being Mormon was the reason I was let go.  So odd that this happens in Salt Lake City of all places.

As a side, when I shared this story with my friend Dan, he replied, "How did she know you were gay?"  Thank you Dan.  That made me feel better.  As proud as I am to be gay, I never thought it was that obvious to a passerby.  Especially in the short time a checker interacts with a customer.  

A CTR ring (It actually says ACD.) shouldn't bring you trouble.  Being LDS in Salt Lake City shouldn't bring you trouble.  Being a quiet gay shouldn't either.  But stir them all together---BLAM!  Harassment!

Reminiscing

An hour ago, Aaron and I went to Trolley Square to leave some flowers.  It's the three year anniversary of the shooting there.  We didn't see any other flowers or reminders while we were.  But the last bullet hole is still there.  It's a good reminder of what happened and I hope it's never repaired.  My thoughts go out to those whose lives were changed by that event.

Trolley Square seemed more lively than on our last visit.  There are still a lot of holes of unfilled stores.  Sharper Image is one of those holes.  I wonder if there is more foot traffic.  It was busy tonight but that could be because it's Friday night before Valentine's Day and there is a fund raiser going on too.  The fund raiser is for victims of the Haiti quake, but it was created by one of the survivors of the shooting.

I'm glad we have the yearly reminder to treasure those close to us and be thankful when God spares our lives.

Wishes

I wish it were spring.  Actually I wish it were summer, but I realize spring must happen first, so I'll settle for that.  It's the sunny days we've been having.  The air is still a little brisk.  And there are clumps of snow everywhere.  But blue skies, sunlight in the morning, and longer days have me wishing dark, dreary winter were gone.  That's why I changed my blog to look a little more spring-winter transitioned.  I normally rename my blog to fit, but "Big Red Not-Really-Spring Hammer" didn't sound good.

To let you know how much I wish it were summer, I have already put up a "Countdown Till Pride" countdown calendar on my facebook profile.  So you're informed, we have 115 days.  I feel gypped from last year's Pride.  It poured on our parade.  And then I caught H1N1 and spent the next few days in a dark room feeling awful.  I didn't get to do most of the fun things I wanted to.  I hope this year will be different.

I also wish our home teachers would have made an appointment.  I didn't hear anything from them in January.  I really had my hopes up too.  But maybe some other time.

I also need to sit down and write my parents a letter or e-mail to let them know how much I appreciated their love and support for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  They treated Aaron and I very well.  I'm sure it must have been hard for them.  But I was touched.

Enough of my ramblings.  I hope you're having a great week!

*Grin* It's done!

I just had a conversation on the phone with my sister.  Yesterday while we were at Church, waiting for sacrament to begin, she asked, "Are you gay?"  I was not expecting that!  I didn't give her an answer and said I didn't want to talk about it there. 

Well, we just had the coming out conversation.  It was very easy!  She assured me that she still loved me.  They had already guessed about Aaron.  She asked how long we had been together and was surprised by the answer.  In August we will have been together five years!  I heard my fourteen-year-old nephew in the background say, "I bet they'll get married."  *grin*

It's finally complete!  How quickly I achieve my New Year's resolution! 

She's Baaaaaack!

Cindy Sheehan is back in the news.  For those of you who don't remember, back in 2005 she protested in front of then-President Bush's home.  She's an anti-war protester who lost her son in Iraq in 2004.  She used part of the insurance money to start her protesting.  I covered her rants and her ensuing personal problems here. 

"Out of everything, that hurt me the most," she explained. "After 31 years of being in the family, I thought they would support me. They totally disowned me and chose George Bush over murder."

I will disagree over her terminology. Her family chose their family over her disunity. She chose something that is temporary over something with infinite potential. The war will end. It will end whether Cindy is screaming her complaints, or if she goes to Iraq and fights herself. And when it does, Cindy will be left without a cause. Oh, but I don't underestimate her... I'm sure she'll find some new cause to tranfer all her hate and rhetoric to. Afterall, she doesn't have a family anymore. What can she do?

The ironic part to me now, is that she is not protesting the war.  She is protesting the use of unmanned drones to attack al Qaida and Taliban targets.  So...  if drones are "cowardly" and "immoral", then I guess she prefers we put our sons and daughters in harms way when it can be avoided all together.  

 Did I call it or what?  

Hometeachers?

Aaron and I have been together for five years in August 2010.  Time really does pass quickly.  But Aaron and I have fit in so much.  We have traditions now.  Mid-2010 we'll have lived together for five years.  We've been in our same apartment close to Liberty Park the whole time.  We love it here too.

In that four years, we've been to Church together maybe 3-4 times.  Truthfully, I think we miss it.  I missed singing the Christmas hymns this season.  I don't miss Priesthood lessons however.  (Even in a student ward, they were boring.)  I also don't miss fasting as I get really cranky when I'm hungry.  We both were upset during the Prop 8 fiasco.  It felt like a slap in the face.  But we didn't get bitter.  We still love the Church.

So yesterday evening the doorbell rang.  I answered it and there was an attractive, about my age guy standing there, smiling.  He asked, "Scott?"  I figured it was either a friend of our neighbors (who are also gay) or maybe some wayward Escape member.  As it turned out, it was our newly assigned hometeacher!

I was surprised.  As I said, we've been here for over three years and never had a hometeacher come visit.  I know my records are here because I get a Christmas card from the bishopric every year.  Either my parents had them sent here, my old student ward, or the fact I have a Liahona subscription did it.  Either way, there he was.  He said that he was kind of new to the ward and he hadn't seen me there.  I told him part of the truth.  That being that I work many Sundays and haven't been there.  He invited me to come.  It was a little awkward to say the least.  I wanted to invite him in, but I had the vibe that he didn't have the time.  His wife had also made a treat which he gave to me.  He also looked up my records and they didn't have my phone number, so I gave it to him.  His partner wasn't available, but they wanted to give me a call and set up an appointment next month.  Which I welcome.  We said our goodbyes.

Now, being the analytical person I am, I started thinking about it.  I'm going to guess that he's a member of the Elder's Quorum Presidency.  First of all, they normally give less-actives (especially the ones that have never been seen) to a member of the presidency.  Second, he had that ambitious feeling.  The kind where when a person moves into your ward and they have it, you give them an ambitious calling because you know they'll magnify it. 

He seemed very nice and very genuine as well.

But I digress.  I'd like your advice.  Let me tell you what I'm not going to do.  I'm not going to be passive-aggressive and not answer his calls or not answer the door when he comes.  I had enough of those on my mission to know how frustrating they are.  My first instinct is once we've built a relationship of trust, that I will come out to him and be upfront about who I am.  I am gay.  I am inactive.  I do love the Church.  I do have a testimony.  I do like having hometeachers (if that is the case).  But I am unsure of my place in our religion.

I think the honesty will pay off.   The Holy Ghost loves honesty and will reward us for it, I think.  I guess if they're uncomfortable or disapprove then they just won't come.  But I intend on being a gracious host either way.  I they might actually like coming to our home.  Aaron and I are used to having people over.  We're funny, fun, and have a good time.  I'd even invite the hometeachers for game nights if they'd come. 

What do you think?  What have your experiences been?

Post-Christmas Wrap Up

A blessing.  That is exactly the word I'd use to describe it.  I expected Christmas this year to run smoothly, but in a moderate and small way.  After all, you take small steps to make progress.  I was surprised however. 

Aaron had to work on Christmas Day.  So we planned around it.  He wouldn't be able to visit my brother's family in Logan that day, so we planned around it.  We visited Paul & co. on Christmas eve.  We went out to dinner with them and then went to their home to open gifts and play games.  Aaron, Paul, Jade and the boys get along really well.  I can see Aaron being himself with them and it makes me happy.

We were there till 11:30ish.  When we arrived home, I needed to wrap all of my presents.  With work, it was the only time I had to do it.  I think we were up till 2:30 AM wrapping.  I'd been exhausted all week from work.  Retail is hell during Christmas.  We both collapsed in bed after that. 

We needed to arrive at my parents' home at 8 AM, so we didn't get much sleep that night.  But we got up in time to exchange gifts with each other.  Even thinking back on it now, it makes me beam.  Aaron and I have been together for four years now, going on five.  This was our first Christmas together.  Having Christmas morning together is what couples do.  I really felt closer to him for it. 

So we arrived a little past eight and we exchanged gifts with my parents.  A few days earlier, my mom had asked what she should get Aaron for Christmas.  It really warmed my heart when she said that.  Aaron and I put both our names on all of the gifts we gave.  But later, after Aaron had left, I let my mom know which ones he had picked out.  She was touched too. 

My sister and her family normally come around 9 and we have a big breakfast together.  Then we exchange gifts with them.  Aaron and I planned on him leaving before she got there.  That way there wouldn't be any uncomfortableness.  (I'm not out to my sister and her family yet.)  I told my mom this and she said, that no, they planned on Aaron spending as much time as possible until he had to leave for work. 

I really did receive a lot of blessings this Christmas.  We were both dead tired, it's true.  But we got to spend the holiday together and with my family.  That to me is a miracle.  It wasn't uncomfortable or forced.  Parents are wonderful things really.  When they see the love you have for someone, some of their love transfers to him.  I could see that very clearly this holiday. 

I couldn't ask for more.  (Well, maybe a little more sleep.)

Family Christmas

So I was talking to my mom the other day about Christmas.  She wanted to know our plans and if Aaron and I planned on visiting Christmas day.  That probably happens a million times every December to couples all over the world.  But it's the first time it has happened to me.  I love my family.  I came out to my brother and then my parents a year ago mid-November.  So now, thirteen months later, Aaron is becoming part of the family.  He and a couple of my friends joined us for my family's Thanksgiving dinner in Logan.  Now Aaron and I may be visiting my parents on Christmas day just like my other siblings.

I say "may" because due to some scheduling conflicts, Aaron and I may be hosting our family's Christmas dinner!  If so, then my family would be coming to our home to visit!  To me, this is a miracle.  A true miracle.  After years of keeping them at a distance and being closeted, I have opened up to my family and they have reciprocated ten-fold.  I am proud to be a Guymon. 

I'm proud of Aaron too.  I know that he's wary of this.  He is very concerned that he will make my family uncomfortable.  More than anything, he doesn't want that.  I remind him that whenever they give the invitation, we need to have the courage to take it.  Aaron has been there for me.  Nearly four years of having to deal with me skirting around my family, "straightening up" (pun intended) the house when my parents visited and basically having a limit on how we could progress as a family has ended.

I am blessed. 

I am so glad I listened to the Holy Ghost when I was prompted to prepare to come out to my family.  I've said it before, but I'll repeat it.  The Holy Ghost is a spirit of truth and honesty.  He is present when we speak and share the truth.  When you get the feeling you should come out to someone, that is the Holy Ghost prompting you to do so.  He wants you to eliminate the dishonesty in your life.  I have a testimony that coming out the closet to your family will bless you.  I don't believe that just because it's been good to me.  Heavenly Father doesn't want you to go through life alone.  Our families, our spouses and our friends are supposed to be our support.  Give them that opportunity.  God will bless you.

This is shaping up to be my best Christmas. 

Status Quo

Many people have blogged on the subject of the Church supporting gay protection statues, so I won't go on length about it. I do have a few words to add.  I've heard many voices from the gay side.  Most are afraid of trusting the Church.  They think this is to reverse the public's opinion of the Church, or to prepare us for a future action.  I think that's mostly because once you've lost trust, it's very hard to gain again.  Trust is harder to earn than love for sure.  But it isn't their reaction that I want to talk about.

I don't know the Church's motivation in supporting those statues.  I hope it's for altruistic reasons and I'll continue believing that until proven otherwise.  But it's had one good effect besides actually protecting GLBT people.  It has mixed up the status quo!  Legislators and other conservative influences often try to out-church the Church.  The Eagle Forum and the Sutherland Institute are both aghast at the Church's "new" stance.  Those two organizations have been leeching their power from the Church.  They claimed their stance was the LDS stance and gained many followers that way.  Now their paths have diverged and it's made those organizations angry. 

This has also been good for the membership of the Church.  Many of them used the Church as an excuse for why gay men and women should have no rights.  Their religion allowed them a air-tight reason to hate or discriminate against gays.  This latest action will hopefully allow those people to rethink their bias.  Senator Buttars changed and that by itself is a miracle. 

So, no matter the reason for this change, I say we look at it as a step in the right direction.  It can help Utahns and members of the Church to love and accept their gay brothers and sisters. 

Giving Thanks

Yesterday I had an event that was a first in my life.  Traditionally my family gets together for Thanksgiving.  The past years we've met in Logan with my brother's family.  Aaron and my friends would celebrate the holiday at our place while I was with my family.  This year, Aaron, myself and two other friends attended Thanksgiving with my family.  This is the first holiday Aaron has ever shared with my family.  It was wonderful.  I couldn't have asked for a better time!  My nephews (all nearly teenagers) love Aaron, as do my brother and sister-in-law.  My friends and he fit in very well.  My sister and her family were there too.  They don't know that I'm gay.  So we did have to "straighten up" some.  I think that was really easy.  We had incredible food and a great time.

I consider myself very blessed that I have a family that loves me unconditionally and loves those I hold close the same.  It's a process of course.  But I never would have guessed it would progress so quickly.  My heart is warm.  I am proud of Aaron.  Leading up to this was a little stressful for him.  He is so concerned with making sure my family isn't uncomfortable around him.  Bless him.

I am also thankful that I have a job and I did not have to work Black Friday morning.  I work 2-11:30PM today.  It's a long shift, but it's not the craziness of this morning.

My word cloud!

Choices!

I don't normally use my blog to help me make decisions. I have a difficult decision ahead of me and I'm still torn on what to do. I may have to make the choice in a couple hours.

So a little background. Circuit City went out of business in March and I've been without a job since then. I have applied to so many jobs, I can't even keep track. Being on unemployment allowed me time and I'm very thankful for it. But it has run out and I must have a job.

So last week ShopKo responded to application. I had an interview with a manager and it was all right. The interview was very impersonal. He asked maybe eight "If you were in this situation" questions. I answered them easily. Then yesterday I had my second interview with the manager of the store. He was nice and friendly. We talked about available positions. CSS (customer service?) and supervisor were suggested by the first interviewer. The store manager basically picked CSS for me. The position is part time and seasonal and only $8.25/hr. I accepted the job and they said I'll probably come in on Friday.

I also got a phone call from an unknown number and remarked to Aaron and Dan that "I bet you this is another job offer. They always come in at least twos." I answered and it was PC Laptops. For those who don't know, PC Laptops is a computer and repair store with about seven locations in Utah and Nevada.

So after my final interview at ShopKo I went to an interview at PC Laptops which turned into two interviews. Both went rather well. So today I have the third part of the hiring process, "The Test". I'll be at their Murray store for two hours today. They'll get a feel for me and I for them. My first interviewer should be there. I think he's the district manager or higher. The second interviewer told me a little about it. He said, "We'll see if you greet the customers or if you hang out at the back of the store. Or if you answer the phones." I'm not worried about greeting customers at all. I did that all the time at Sharper Image. I'm more worried about what I do when there's nothing for me to do. It's been recommended that I have someone show me the computers and teach me about them. *deep breath*.

So I'm nervous. But that's just part of it. PC Laptops is partially commission. I've never worked in an commission atmosphere. If I make the goal (which I have no idea how achievable it is) I'll make pretty good money. Base pay is only a quarter less than ShopKo is. PC Laptops is also full-time. I don't know which job to take!

I figured it out this morning. PC Laptops intimidates me. ShopKo only needs mediocrity. I'll shine easily there. PCL demands a lot more and it demands things I have only some experience in. If I take the safe job, I'll barely have enough money to pay the bills.

Grr. I wish the choices were easier to make. The positive side is that either way I have a job!

=====

So more news. PC Laptops called today. They chose someone else for the job. *sigh* So I guess that makes my choice easy. I'll settle with mediocrity at ShopKo. I have orientation tomorrow morning. This means cutting back big time. It's only temporary and part-time and the pay is the lowest I've ever been paid since returning home from my mission. I had hoped by getting the PCL job, I'd get rid of our money woes. No such luck. I am very disappointed and down.

Where are you in your journey?

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound
--Beyonce

A friend of a blogger friend suggested this theme for October. I have a lot to be thankful for lately and I think this would be a great way to share that.

How did you get to where you are today?
Often in our lives the important things aren't events but processes. I can't remember when I gained a testimony of our Savior or of the Church. I can't say when I started considering myself an adult and no longer a young adult. Likewise there wasn't a point when I knew I was gay. Growing up I could feel attraction to other males here and there. It wasn't anything big or distracting. I remember being at the barbershop on the military base getting my hair cut. I was about eight years old. A guy came in and sat waiting for his haircut. I couldn't look away, I found him fascinating and attractive.

In high school I only went on two dates. For one I was asked to a prom because the girl's boyfriend was grounded. I asked one girl to another prom because my friends wanted to go on a group date. I picked her mostly because both of our parents thought we'd be a good match. I only had close male friends and a few female classroom friends.

Even while on my mission (19-21 years old) I was proud of myself because I didn't have to worry about women distracting me from the Lord's work. I didn't understand why other elders couldn't just leave their girlfriends at home. Looking back, it was apparent why. But when all you have is your perspective it's hard to compare yourself to others. I didn't know that I was different from any other guy.

At BYU I dated two women seriously. One wanted to get married. I prayed about it many times and the Holy Ghost would only respond, "Wait." I am so glad I listened! Sometime after that relationship I started to make my first gay friends. The Escape was a great group for me. The men didn't drink and had LDS backgrounds. I went through the turmoil of living two lives. My BYU friends will remember my "other friends" that I would go hang out with. I had to lie to friends and family all the time. The pain and difficulty of that situation dulled after time. I became a good liar.

I dated one guy for awhile. Then I found Aaron. We hit it off right from the bat. We had chemistry and so much in common. I thought he was the cutest person I ever knew. (I still do!) I was hesitant to date him exclusively. I thought being in an exclusive relationship was a bad idea. It would make leaving homosexuality behind so much harder. But my heart was already linked to him. I cared about him and he about me. As Aaron tells the story, we were at a party. I saw him flirting with another guy and I came over. I proclaimed that Aaron was my boyfriend to everyone. Jealousy! Aaron and I have been together for four years now. We've gone through our difficulties but we love each other even more. We really are a perfect match.

Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?
Yes! Someone told me that you know you're in love when he makes you want to be a better person. Loving Aaron allows me to put his needs above mine. Living a double life--as a side effect--makes you a much more selfish person. You don't let people get close because they'll discover the lies. I became a very selfish man. The love and honesty we share helps me put that behind us.

Thanks to following a prompting, I came out to my brother almost a year ago. Following the same prompting I came out to my parents two weeks later. I have become closer to my brother and his wife than I ever was before. Their oldest stayed with us for two months this summer. About two weeks ago, my mother invited Aaron into my parents' home for the first time. It wasn't for long but it was a big step! I can see that my family is changing their ideas. It makes me emotional to see Aaron and them forging friendships and more. There are exciting things on the horizon.

Where do you see yourself in the future?
Aaron and I will still be together and strong. We'll continue to gather friends around us, both straight and gay. I hope we can be an example of healthy and happy gay relationships. We'll be example of the fun you can have without alcohol or drugs. I see Aaron forging familial relationships with my family. My family will become our family. I see myself rebuilding the trust and closeness with my family I had before with Aaron at my side. This next part is maybe fanciful, but it came to mind. My patriarchal blessing says that I will serve another mission as older couple. If that ever becomes possible, Aaron and I are definitely in line!

What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?
I am always afraid of rejection. That fear kept me from telling those closest to me about the turmoil I had inside. I thought my straight friends wouldn't want to be near me. I thought my family would be angry. I thought I wouldn't get to see my nephews again. They may have hesitation, but I think they can see that I'm happy.

I have overcome the need to rely on lies and deceit. Honesty takes a heavy load off of your shoulders. It allows you to become an integrated and whole person. Honesty tears down the invisible walls between you and your loved ones. Coming out to your family seems huge and daunting. It will probably be the hardest thing you'll ever do. But it won't be as hard as you think. The Holy Ghost loves honesty and truth. It will accompany you as you increase your honesty.

I have a theory called the Four Sins of Gaydom. Bitterness and Stagnation are two of them I keep at bay. I do not want to hate people or organizations. I was in a rut for many years. It is easy to sit still and let the world pass you by. These are roadblocks I see slowing me down in the future.

What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?
Friends. Find good friends. Find friends that meet your values. If you're gay it doesn't mean you need to let all your morals go. You don't need to drink to have fun. Find those people who feel the same way you do. The internet is a great source. This is a plug, but check out The Escape.

Family. There may be times where it seems you have no one. You will have times where you are lonely. If you have been honest and open with your family they can be your best friends. There are those who hesitate to come out to parents, siblings, spouses and others. They fear rejection. At first there may be confusion on their part, but I think their love will still shine through. If you're LDS you know about "attack on the family". Keeping yourself closeted and fearful is helping to tear apart your family. They can be your greatest support and help. Take the leap!

Yourself. With time you can accept you as you are. Heavenly Father may or may not have made you gay. But he allows you to stay gay. There are reasons for that. I used to think it was a curse I needed to endure or suffer with. Now I look at it as one the biggest blessings in my life. It stands next to other greats as my family, Aaron, friends, the Church, and my testimony. I have learned things that I couldn't have learned any other way.

As Aaron sometimes says, "We're good Mormon boys... except for the gay!" Strip away the guilt and shame and pain that you're giving yourself. Stop worrying yourself sick. Set aside the battle you feel you have to fight. You're fighting your best ally, yourself.

What advice do you have for family and friends?
I am the same person I always was. I think my family already can see this. Now I've entrusted you with another part of my soul. I am happier than I ever have been before. Let's continue to show each other trust and make our family that will last through time.

Give Aaron a chance. He's an incredible guy and I consider myself very lucky to have him. I had great taste in who I loved before and it hasn't changed. He is endearing and easy to love. If given the chance he'll show you.

Other people may judge you for befriending your brother/son's boyfriend. After all, love the sinner, not the sin. Aaron is not a sin. Aaron is a person and someone I love. Even in the Church the family comes first. Don't let people pollute your mind with ideas that would tear our family apart. This isn't something I think will be a problem with my family. But many do struggle with it.

My friends, keep being you. Aaron and I are lucky to have so many friends, both straight and gay. You make us happy people. You've accepted us and helped us out. If we can ever help, don't hesitate to ask. We are a family in our own right. Stand up for each other. If people say things about your friends you know isn't true, say so. Compliment your friends when they aren't around. They'll eventually hear. It's much better than gossip. Love one another.

Conclusion
I am blessed. I see a bright future. I'll be holding Aaron's hand. We'll be smiling.

Etc.

It's been awhile since I've written on here. I don't have a topic of choice. Right now I'm still unemployed and desperately looking for employment. Not having a job is repetitive to say the least. Every day seems like the one before it. Every employment questionnaire seems like the one before it. In many cases, it was the same as the one before it. I miss having somewhere to go during the day. I miss making new friends with co-workers. I miss having income I can spend. I will have to have a celebration party when I finally land a job.

In other news, I have been made the Captain (commanding officer) of my Star Trek sim. For those of you who don't know, I'm a big fan of Trek. I write collaborative fiction with other fans. It is in story format where each author writes for a character or two. As captain of the sim, I choose the story arcs and try to provide each author with opportunities to write. It's a big deal because now they're dependent on my creativity to keep the sim going. Right now we're in 'shoreleave' where everyone can write about what they like. In about two weeks I'll start my 'internship' with my first mission. If it goes well, I'll graduate from Command School and become a full fledged captain and probably receive the rank of the same name. I've been doing this for about 5 years now. It is a great past-time and my writing skills have improved dramatically.

You can check out some of the information about our sim here: Dorvan V.

My birthday is coming up too. I turn thirty-one in the beginning of November. That month will also be the year mark of when I came out to my brother and sister-in-law and my parents. That reminds me of something. The week before last, my mom invited Aaron inside for the first time ever. Aaron was hesitant. He does not want to make my family feel pressured or uncomfortable. It went very well. We checked out my parents' cruise pictures. This may open up more opportunities. The end goal is having Aaron a full and loved member of my family. I want him to come to Christmas and Thanksgiving and any other important events. He gets along great with my brother and sister-in-law and my (our) nephews. It makes me swell with pride that I have such a phenomenal boyfriend and partner. I know this will lead to other great things!

In the Paper Again

I just found the Salt Lake Tribune article with my quote in it. You can find the whole article here.

Guymon said he would like to see reform, he's just not sure how much.

"I'm unemployed and there's no way I can afford health insurance," he said. "But I don't know if I want government to take it over. There has to be a happy medium where everyone has access to affordable care."

A Lesson Learned From Being LDS

Today I read an article about another Presidential controversy. I use the term very lightly too. I don't think this should have even been reported. In a nutshell, President Obama was chatting back and forth with a CNBC interviewer. Kanye West's escapades were brought up and the President said that Kanye is a "jackass". ABC employees overheard the conversation and twittered it, sending it out to the world.

Fine. I think most people would agree with President Obama's opinion.

What bothers me is that people take the opinion seriously. People (maybe just the Media) are aghast that the President would say something like that. Come on!

Being LDS, we learn early on (though it is not always understood) that the Prophet and President of the Church is able to speak as a man, or as a Prophet. Not everything that comes from his mouth is doctrine. If he roots for the Utah Jazz it doesn't mean that it's a sin to hope they lose. If the Prophet enjoys florentine lasagna we shouldn't throw away all of our italian sausage lasagna.

Equally so, the President of the United States may like soccer, hate chocolate ice cream, and think Kanye West is a "jackass". It doesn't matter. He isn't signing a presidential decree. Do people (or the Media) believe he isn't able to share personal opinions? Or maybe it's just grasping at anything "news worthy".

Zion Nat'l Park

Aaron, Dave and I got back from Zion National Park yesterday afternoon. We had a great time! We stayed at my traditional campsite. My friends and I nicknamed it Hippieville years ago. This was Aaron's first visit to Zion and he thoroughly enjoyed it! We hiked Angel's Landing, the River Walk (2x), and all three of the Emerald Pools. We saw a lot of wildlife. I think they came out because it rained some. The rain was very refreshing. I learned a lot more about the park and its features than on previous visits.

I'm sharing some of the pics here. You can see the rest on my facebook page.

Zion Nat'l Park

Education

Right now I'm on the campus of BYU. I'm here for the annual BYU Campus Education Week, put on by CES. Most of you have never heard of the program. Of the few that have, probably none of you have attended. Basically it is 1,000s of classes that cover a variety of subjects. It starts mid-August and is one week long. Most of the topics are religious in nature. This is my fourteenth year to attend. Every year I get a spiritual boost. It is a highlight of my year.

Last year, I was inspired to make some important goals. One of those was coming out to my parents. I've spoken about it before, but having the feeling to come out to someone --I believe-- is a spiritual prompting. One that if you follow, you will receive blessings. I am happy that last November, I followed that prompting I received at Education Week and came out to my brother and his family and then my parents. The blessings I've received from that prompting have continued to enrich my life. My brother and sister-in-law have invited Aaron and I to their home a second time. That is a huge blessing! I know in time Aaron and I will forge the same relationships with my parents.

Last year and this, I felt a hesitation to attend Education Week. Only now do I realize why. The changes I've effected have been positive and life-changing events. There's certainly someone who doesn't want me to make those choices. Feeling the Spirit here helps clarify the journey ahead of me. I wish that Aaron could attend with me. I miss him. I know he would learn a lot here too.

So many gay people are afraid to feel the Spirit. I can't blame them, so often it's often in an atmosphere of judgment. Education Week is like General Conference, only *I* get to choose the speakers and their topics.

PS - Earlier today I ran into a sister I served with on my mission. It was great to catch up in the short time we had. It makes me want to send out an e-mail to all my mission friends catching them up on my life and coming out to them. That way I don't have to ignore the big pink elephant in the room. I won't have to avoid them.

Sigh

Yesterday my nephew Shane left with his family for home. People often say that you don't realize how much you will miss someone until they're gone. In this case it's different. Aaron and I already knew how difficult it would be to see him go. Over the past two months, we've gotten to know Shane well. He became part of our home and family. We care about him a lot. We even offered to let him stay with us for his senior year.

Perhaps things are best this way. He'll get to spend his senior year with his friends. It's difficult though. I walk past his empty room, or want to play Halo, or paint figures and he isn't here. We'll miss him terribly. But he isn't that far away. My brother has already invited us up to visit and play games.

*sigh*