Stand Your Ground

Yesterday I had one of the most awkward experiences of my adult life.  But before I share, I'll say it was awkward, but not embarrassing.  My face didn't flush and I didn't feel apologetic in the least.  But awkward... Yes!

At work, we had a small rush of customers.  So I got on a register and started to ring people up.  The first woman in my line had been to the service desk a few minutes earlier to return some allergy medication.  She looked hopped up on it too.

I began to ring up her products.  She noticed my ring and said, "Is that a CTR ring?"  Which it is and in Romanian.  I get comments on it often, so I'm used to it.  This is where it gets very odd.  Then the woman paused and said, "No offense, but aren't you gay?"

If this had happened a couple years ago, I would have been embarrassed and denied it.  But I'm a different man since then.  I replied that yes, I am.  She started to go off, "How can you be gay and Mormon?  How can you believe in what they say about you?  Are you really gay?"  I told her that I have had a boyfriend for five years, so yes, I am gay.  And I do believe in the Church.  "That's awful!" was her retort.  The conversation continued in this line.

This whole time there is a guy behind her, waiting to be checked out.  There is a cashier next to me (that I wasn't out to) and her customers.  As well, the service desk person behind me.  So I'm the center of attention.  But surprisingly, I wasn't embarrassed.

I know that what she did was harassment and I didn't have to put up with it.  I could have said, right off the bat, "Sorry ma'am, but that is none of your business."  And it wasn't!  But as unlikely as it was to happen, I wanted to stretch her mind.  Just because you're gay doesn't mean you hate religion or the LDS Church.  Just because you're Mormon doesn't mean you hate gays.  There is middle ground.  A place of mutual respect.

I do agree that at the checkout stand of a retailer is not the place for this kind of conversation.  But I refuse to back down.

So it's odd, being harassed--not for being gay as you'd suspect--but for being religious and gay.  It isn't the first time either that I've been the subject of gay/religion harassment either.  My manager at "Our Store" in downtown did the same thing because of my CTR ring.  I wouldn't be surprised if my being Mormon was the reason I was let go.  So odd that this happens in Salt Lake City of all places.

As a side, when I shared this story with my friend Dan, he replied, "How did she know you were gay?"  Thank you Dan.  That made me feel better.  As proud as I am to be gay, I never thought it was that obvious to a passerby.  Especially in the short time a checker interacts with a customer.  

A CTR ring (It actually says ACD.) shouldn't bring you trouble.  Being LDS in Salt Lake City shouldn't bring you trouble.  Being a quiet gay shouldn't either.  But stir them all together---BLAM!  Harassment!

Hometeachers?

Aaron and I have been together for five years in August 2010.  Time really does pass quickly.  But Aaron and I have fit in so much.  We have traditions now.  Mid-2010 we'll have lived together for five years.  We've been in our same apartment close to Liberty Park the whole time.  We love it here too.

In that four years, we've been to Church together maybe 3-4 times.  Truthfully, I think we miss it.  I missed singing the Christmas hymns this season.  I don't miss Priesthood lessons however.  (Even in a student ward, they were boring.)  I also don't miss fasting as I get really cranky when I'm hungry.  We both were upset during the Prop 8 fiasco.  It felt like a slap in the face.  But we didn't get bitter.  We still love the Church.

So yesterday evening the doorbell rang.  I answered it and there was an attractive, about my age guy standing there, smiling.  He asked, "Scott?"  I figured it was either a friend of our neighbors (who are also gay) or maybe some wayward Escape member.  As it turned out, it was our newly assigned hometeacher!

I was surprised.  As I said, we've been here for over three years and never had a hometeacher come visit.  I know my records are here because I get a Christmas card from the bishopric every year.  Either my parents had them sent here, my old student ward, or the fact I have a Liahona subscription did it.  Either way, there he was.  He said that he was kind of new to the ward and he hadn't seen me there.  I told him part of the truth.  That being that I work many Sundays and haven't been there.  He invited me to come.  It was a little awkward to say the least.  I wanted to invite him in, but I had the vibe that he didn't have the time.  His wife had also made a treat which he gave to me.  He also looked up my records and they didn't have my phone number, so I gave it to him.  His partner wasn't available, but they wanted to give me a call and set up an appointment next month.  Which I welcome.  We said our goodbyes.

Now, being the analytical person I am, I started thinking about it.  I'm going to guess that he's a member of the Elder's Quorum Presidency.  First of all, they normally give less-actives (especially the ones that have never been seen) to a member of the presidency.  Second, he had that ambitious feeling.  The kind where when a person moves into your ward and they have it, you give them an ambitious calling because you know they'll magnify it. 

He seemed very nice and very genuine as well.

But I digress.  I'd like your advice.  Let me tell you what I'm not going to do.  I'm not going to be passive-aggressive and not answer his calls or not answer the door when he comes.  I had enough of those on my mission to know how frustrating they are.  My first instinct is once we've built a relationship of trust, that I will come out to him and be upfront about who I am.  I am gay.  I am inactive.  I do love the Church.  I do have a testimony.  I do like having hometeachers (if that is the case).  But I am unsure of my place in our religion.

I think the honesty will pay off.   The Holy Ghost loves honesty and will reward us for it, I think.  I guess if they're uncomfortable or disapprove then they just won't come.  But I intend on being a gracious host either way.  I they might actually like coming to our home.  Aaron and I are used to having people over.  We're funny, fun, and have a good time.  I'd even invite the hometeachers for game nights if they'd come. 

What do you think?  What have your experiences been?

A Lesson Learned From Being LDS

Today I read an article about another Presidential controversy. I use the term very lightly too. I don't think this should have even been reported. In a nutshell, President Obama was chatting back and forth with a CNBC interviewer. Kanye West's escapades were brought up and the President said that Kanye is a "jackass". ABC employees overheard the conversation and twittered it, sending it out to the world.

Fine. I think most people would agree with President Obama's opinion.

What bothers me is that people take the opinion seriously. People (maybe just the Media) are aghast that the President would say something like that. Come on!

Being LDS, we learn early on (though it is not always understood) that the Prophet and President of the Church is able to speak as a man, or as a Prophet. Not everything that comes from his mouth is doctrine. If he roots for the Utah Jazz it doesn't mean that it's a sin to hope they lose. If the Prophet enjoys florentine lasagna we shouldn't throw away all of our italian sausage lasagna.

Equally so, the President of the United States may like soccer, hate chocolate ice cream, and think Kanye West is a "jackass". It doesn't matter. He isn't signing a presidential decree. Do people (or the Media) believe he isn't able to share personal opinions? Or maybe it's just grasping at anything "news worthy".

Duplicity

Today's my day off. I went over to the $5 haircut place on 7th where I normally get my haircut. I had a nice barber (are women barbers too?) She started the pleasant small talk that barbers normally do. That's cool with me. Silence or small talk are equally fine for me.

She talked about her three-year-old son and getting ready for Christmas. I mentioned my nephews and going to the Festival of Trees today. As I was doing this, I caught myself "straightening" my small talk. It's something I do naturally. When I make the switch I use gender neutral pronouns, change the situations a little bit and tweak the truth. I do it without even thinking. Today I just happened to mentally catch it.

It made me think. I am out to my family and friends now. There is not really anyone else that needs to hear it from me. (My sister is excluded.) So why do I de-gay my speech? Do I really care what the barber thinks? Is it just easier to not show that part of me to strangers? My boyfriend Aaron doesn't "straighten" his speech at all. He works at a hotel and will mention picking up his boyfriend or a cute guy or whatever. He's not embarrassed. He just treats it like it is the most normal thing. I envy him for that.

On one hand, I don't need to share my sexual orientation with every person I meet. I am a gay man and am proud of who I am, but it just isn't relevant to every conversation or relationship. Sometimes (rarely in my experience), I need to hide that aspect to protect myself or others from hate speech. That aside, there doesn't seem to be any logical reason to hide my being gay from people.

On the other hand, by sharing my sexuality as Aaron does--in the most normal matter--it will expose people to the fact that there are gay people every where. We are normal. Utahns particularly need exposure to that.

So what do you think? For those of my readers who are gay, how do you handle those situations? For those who aren't gay, being Mormon is probably the closest analogy. Do you ever "de-Mormonize" your speech with strangers you interact with? Do either of the groups say "I'm going to hang out with my friends" rather than saying "ward activity" or "Gay night"?