tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7737068.post7440519626153469069..comments2023-10-21T09:16:56.769-06:00Comments on Big Red Hammer: ConundrumBigRedHammerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09525232250776614478noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7737068.post-20149199982935988582009-01-14T22:49:00.000-07:002009-01-14T22:49:00.000-07:00silus makes a good point - it'd be good for your m...silus makes a good point - it'd be good for your mom to understand your conundrum, come what may. she may have some good insight as to how to approach it with your aunt. noroc!Thistlerosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08104112171057524010noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7737068.post-70237999353703072152009-01-13T12:14:00.000-07:002009-01-13T12:14:00.000-07:00I think you've got a couple of different issues be...I think you've got a couple of different issues being addressed here...<BR/><BR/>First is your mother's request to keep the knowledge of your orientation in your "immediate family". The way you've phrased it in your post, your mother indicated her preference, and you've honored her wishes up to this point, but there's no indication that there's any actual commitment involved.<BR/><BR/>If that's the case, her wishes don't need to be a major consideration. (My family would prefer I kept everything to myself as well--a few of them would even rather I had never bothered to even tell <I>them</I>--but although I'll consider their wishes, I can't allow them to govern my decisions). On the other hand, if you've given your mother any sort of verbal agreement that you would keep the info within the immediate family, you ought to at least inform her if you will no longer be doing so.<BR/><BR/>The question of your cousin is a tough one. I was advised, when I was considering coming out to my ward in testimony meeting, that some parents might not appreciate their kids being introduced to the concept of homosexuality without the parents' permission or foreknowledge. So far (in the more than two months since my testimony) I haven't been made aware of any problems in this area, so maybe it's not as big an issue as some people worried it might be.<BR/><BR/>On the other hand, I have a sister who would be furious if she and her kids had been in that sacrament meeting. She worries about coming to visit next summer for fear that someone in the family will let something slip and her kids will find out that they have a gay uncle.<BR/><BR/>I guess it's mostly a question of what type of person your aunt is. Will your cousin finding out about you cause major problems, or will it be a non-issue? If you're not sure, then the best course is probable the one others have recommended: let the aunt know first, and let her decide how to proceed.Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15332275934258698026noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7737068.post-54190210638392532982009-01-13T10:10:00.000-07:002009-01-13T10:10:00.000-07:00Anyone in my life who takes the time to know about...Anyone in my life who takes the time to know about my dating life — neighbors, work colleagues, family, and friends at church (including the bishopric and stake presidency) — knows that I'm gay and that I date guys. Which, I think, qualifies me as an out gay man. But on my facebook account, my sexuality is tucked into the paragraph I wrote about myself in my INFO tab. I don't post my orientation in the fill-in-the-blank because it feels like an advertisement, and that's not my style. I'll keep my ads in the personals section at Yahoo, thank you very much.<BR/><BR/>That's me. Not you … but I thought it important for you to see where I'm coming from.<BR/><BR/>So what's my advice? Well … first off, I think that an agreement with your mom is an agreement with your mom. You need to address that first. It's not something that should wait. You are out in your day-to-day life, and that life is very much connected with the life you have with your family. They'll meet, and you shouldn't have to scramble. Perhaps a version of this blog post could make it to your mom.<BR/><BR/>Second, I whole-heartedly agree with with Scot that a reasonable first step would be to friend the mother. Better yet, friend her and give her a call.<BR/><BR/>Third, after (maybe even before!) you've friended the niece, talk to her, too. There's no reason she should be forced to process this without your direct, personal input.<BR/><BR/>I personally think that being circumspect about our romantic and sexual lives is a sign of proper restraint — gay or straight — and not a "step back into [the] closet". In fact, had you not been in a committed relationship, I would have suggested taking your orientation out of the fill-in-the-blank and putting it into some context in a paragraph somewhere. But the relationship changes the game.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, bud, I wish you luck. Hope it goes well — whatever you decide. Let us know how it goes!Silus Grokhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10934750518150584644noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7737068.post-87339645556460316802009-01-13T07:39:00.000-07:002009-01-13T07:39:00.000-07:00Scott summed it up. Add the mom first. Good luck!Scott summed it up. Add the mom first. Good luck!Josch Bereshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02560153784294110508noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7737068.post-35863226982742469642009-01-13T06:20:00.000-07:002009-01-13T06:20:00.000-07:00That is a tricky one.Firstly, I'd not alter your p...That is a tricky one.<BR/><BR/>Firstly, I'd not alter your profile; an offended niece seems less troubling than to step that much back into a closet.<BR/><BR/>Is this just a casual agreement with your mom, not to tell family? A Promise? Blood Oath? :-) To keep peace and openness as best you can, I think I like informing your mom that you are ready to and will tell other family, and then:<BR/><BR/>"add her mother (I think she is on facebook) and then inform her."<BR/><BR/>Then reassess by the mother's reaction, due to the minor issue.Scothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12350801865113852319noreply@blogger.com